I'm sorry; there's nothing more we can do

It's been exactly three years to the day since I have my first hip arthroscopy. Though it still feels like yesterday.

I can still remember that clean hospital smell on the ward and the numbness in my legs from the spinal block.

I have a condition called femoral retroversion, although there is nothing 'retro' about it. 

In a nutshell, it means the head of the femurs are wonky-donkeys and like to sit at a slightly different angle. It's enough to have meant that my lovely joints have been trying to destroy themselves. 

How lovely!

So, whilst I was running free in my early twenties, my body was coming up with a cunning plan to try to destroy the rest of my adult life.

Luckily for me, modern medicine and surgery have meant that we can try to save my joints and delay needing replacements. But at 38 years old, I have a ridiculous number of limitations.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know how incredibly lucky I am to be able to walk, limp or hobble. Others are not so fortunate or live in a part of the world where surgery is not an option due to costs or unavailability.

The wonderful NHS in the UK has tried to piece me back together almost every year since I was 22 years old.

And although my one hip is 80% and my knees a steady 70%, my left hip has been trailing behind since 2018 and currently sits at a mere 40%.

That means that I live with chronic pain and have done for over a decade. Albeit, managing it (like any condition) does get easier with time. Learning your limitations and asking for help when you need it is key to survival!

There will be others reading my waffle now that are currently going through the same or similar situation (hip birth defects are more common than you realise), and I wish I could give you better news but today I was told "I'm sorry; there's nothing more we can do" - meaning, I have reached the dreaded dead-end.

Because I've had two arthroscopies to my left hip, more surgery just isn't an option and there's always a risk that you'll end up worse off - no thanks! 

My poor body has endured eleven surgeries in total now, so I think it's time to put down the scalpel until they agree to make me a bionic woman.

Whilst steroids keep my knee pain at bay, it's a very taboo subject when it comes to hips. Some surgeons love it, others use it to check for possible referred pain/symptoms, whilst cautious surgeons avoid it at all costs claiming that it does nothing but destroy the cartilage and weaken the joint.

So, if specialists are arguing amongst themselves over who is right around the world, what are we to believe?

For now, very dramatically, I feel as if I am mourning the loss of hope and I'm unsure of what my future looks like. 

Without hope, what keeps us going?